1. A question from television that goes deeper than you think
Anyone who watches Markus Lanz regularly knows his signature follow-up question: “What does that do to a person?” Sometimes he varies it: “How did that feel?” or “What was going on inside you?”
Many smile about it, and he is often parodied for it. But in truth, he hits the core of what real communication requires. And this exact question is almost entirely missing in leadership and management contexts.
2. Behaviour explains the how - emotions explain the why
In my coaching sessions, we often work with models on personality, communication, behavioural preferences or leadership techniques. All of this is valuable but sometimes it doesn’t go deep enough.
People do not act only based on patterns; they react primarily based on emotions.
If you want to understand why someone reacts harshly in a conflict, why a remark hurts, or why a decision triggers tension, you must include the emotional layer. Without it, leadership remains technocratic and superficial.
3. The level that is almost never addressed
In many leadership teams, conflicts are resolved on a factual level:
What happened? Where was the misunderstanding? What information was missing?
Afterwards there is usually relief - but often not real clarity.
Because no one asked: “What did that do to you?” or “How did that situation feel for you?”
For many, these questions sound too private, too therapeutic, too “soft.”
Yet especially in leadership teams that must work closely together, this question is essential.
Only when you understand what something triggered emotionally do you really understand the person - not just their behaviour.
4. Feelings do not disappear just because you ignore them
In couples therapy, these questions are taken for granted. In management, they are treated like a taboo. Yet every conflict has an emotional dimension - and it continues to act, whether anyone talks about it or not.
Hurt feelings, insecurity, overwhelm, violated expectations:
You can leave them out of the conversation, but you cannot stop their effect.
That is why some tensions in leadership teams persist for years, even though the factual issue was resolved long ago.
5. If you want trust, you must know what people feel
Real collaboration emerges only when you understand what was happening inside the other person:
Why something hurt.
Why someone reacted sharply.
Why a boundary was crossed.
Which insecurity was behind it.
You do not learn this from personality profiles, workshops or communication tips.
You only learn it by asking - and being willing to hold the answer.
Markus Lanz does not ask these questions to psychoanalyse his guests.
He asks to truly understand.
Leaders could learn a lot from this stance.
6. My recommandation
Is there a situation around you that was resolved factually but still lingers emotionally?
Is there someone you have never asked: “What did that do to you?”
And what might happen if you did?
Deep collaboration does not arise from perfect methods, but from genuine understanding.
Feelings are not a disturbance. They are the key.
